SEX > A Long, Strange Trip to Orgasm

WIRED.COM: Three rare conditions coincided recently. I had time alone in the San Francisco apartment where I rent a room part time. I had my new sex gadgets and all of their parts with me, including lube and an extra wing nut. And I had an entire day free of deadlines, deliverables and dinner plans.

One of those sex gadgets was the Je Joue, the iPodesque sensual massager. Another was the Jack Hammer Johnson shipped to me by its inventor after I called it a ridiculous, expensive and gimmicky device while promising to "give it a whirl" if they sent me one.

I think he had it in the mail that very afternoon.

I hate assembling things and vowed years ago I would never again buy anything at Ikea, but even I am competent enough to put the JHJ together. As I secured the dildo in its holder, I wondered if I would take this much effort for a penetration toy if I weren't doing it for work.

Masturbation is rarely a big event for me. It's more like the 15-minute yoga practice I do a few mornings a week. I feel better for having done it, it lifts my mood and relaxes my muscles, but it's not overwhelming with sensation or a source of intense pleasure.

Women who are willing to talk about their solo explorations will tell you they've tried hairbrushes, shampoo bottles, vegetables, broom handles. My first improvised dildo was a super absorbency tampon still in its cardboard tube, when I was about 12.

Modern sex-tech is new only in its sophistication, not in its application.

Just about anything cucumber-shaped that's small enough and easy to clean has been put in a vagina. And yet, penetration by itself rarely induces orgasm for most women.

Even if you don't deliberately touch other areas of the vulva during sex with a partner, your labia and clitoris still receive friction from the joining of your bodies. Not to mention any emotional connection that might be feeding the flames!

Although most of the JHJ demonstration videos show a woman using the device by itself, I knew right away that would be pointless for me. I certainly wouldn't be open enough to insert it without some sort of foreplay. That gave me an idea -- why not combine all the goodies in my duffel bag and try to set up a whole simulated sexual experience, without the internet?

So I donned nipple huggers (NSFW), put the Je Joue, the Jack Hammer Johnson and lube within easy reach, and lay back on the floor with my feet on the wall. I figured that would give me some stability as I tried to manage everything at once.

I also tried to think of the experiment as a sensual ritual, something worth my time and focus, rather than a quickie orgasm.

Unfortunately, it's hard to feel sacred when you're trying to guide a dildo you can't see, attached to a pogo stick that keeps bonking you in the chin, into your vagina, all without dropping your vibrator or knocking yourself out.

Read on.